Archives For selfishness


October 17, 2012 — Leave a comment


Tonight at Freedom Ministry Training, the leader did a personal ministry session in front of the entire group, so we would know in general what it looks like to do this type of ministry. One person from the group came forward and shared some very personal struggles and the leader walked her through it. The end result was freedom from those struggles for the participant.

During the session, I realized the number one thing I need to be free from is my dreams.

I know I’ve said this before, but when I was a “vocational minister” some aspects of my ministry I was very good at. I was a great preacher and teacher of the Word, and for as long as I can remember this was the only dream I had for my life – to preach the Word.

Once the session started, the leader asked the participant what she wanted the outcome of the session to be, how she wanted God to work in her life, what she needed to be free from. If it had been me, my answer would be that I want my dreams to die.

I can’t handle the burden of my dreams anymore. I can’t handle having these desires and these abilities and having no way to use them. I want those dreams and desires to die so that I can live.

Some of you may have seen me or heard me speak. It’s like I am a totally different person. I stand tall, I’m full of energy, my voice projects to the back of the room. I like the idea that all eyes are on me, that every ear is tuned in to what I am saying. It’s not just fun for me – it actually feeds a part of me that is otherwise starving. A part that might not need to be fed that way.

The burden of this dream and gift I haveĀ is that fulfilling it feeds an already over-inflated ego. Maybe it’s not even correct to call it a gift. Maybe it’s just an ability that’s innate to me – I got it at birth and like a 3rd ear, I just need to have it cut away.

Maybe it’s time to redefine the dream. If it had been my session tonight, I’d have wanted the old dream to die, and I’d want to be given a new dream. Not my dream of a perfect life for me, but God’s dream of the perfect life for me. His dream, if I could discover it, would supercede everything. Like an eclipse. His dream would overshadow everything else in my life. I would know that dream for a certainty, and it would become my dream, too.

If it had been my session tonight, I would have discovered that my pursuit of my selfish dream fed me more than it fed others, and the ministry that God called me to all those years ago wasn’t about me and my ability. It was about hurting people – and like a vampire I fed off them instead of feeding them.

If it had been my session tonight, I might have learned that regardless of what I have done, regardless of how I have acted, in spite of the people I disappointed, God still loves me and there’s still hope, there’s still a calling and there’s still a dream for me.

I would have learned that I am forgiven. I would have learned that I’m accepted. I would have learned that my deep need to be heard can be filled by God. He listens! He hears everything I say and it’s important to him!

If it had been my session tonight, I might have experienced healing and freedom from these things. I might have left feeling renewed, energized, alive! I might have seen God’s mighty hand extend over me – blocking out every distraction, every selfish impulse, every self serving thought and desire.

But, then again, it wasn’t my ministry session tonight :)