When I was a kid, I was afraid of the dark. This was when I was really little, like 3 or 4. I was so scared of the dark I would not get up in the night to go to the bathroom. If I really, REALLY had to go, (and who would admit this but me?) I would just do it in the bed. Drove my Grandmother crazy, having to change sheets every 3 days and put a fan on the mattress. To be fair, my mother caused this fear. She was a real mess, my mother. She would make me sit in her lap when all those old weird shows like Twilight Zone were on. There was another one called Circle of Fear, and of course, Night Gallery. Then she’d make me go into a dark room and she’d scare the snot out of me and laugh about it. I told you she was a mess, didn’t I?
Either way, that fear persisted until I was about 12, then I just got over it. Kinda. Sometimes, to this day, I feel like someone is right behind me when it’s dark, and I do not allow any part of my body except my face be exposed in bed at night.
I still have fears – and I am facing a few of them right now. Not very well, to be honest, but what choices do I have. For one, I have a fear of air travel, and I have to fly to Chicago this coming Sunday morning. I’d rather be at church, but I’ll be flying instead. And I’m really pretty freaked out about it.
I don’t quite know what to do about this. I have some medication that I can take that will make me calm, but it didn’t really work last time. I’ve prayed about it, been prayed over, I’ve sat outside the airport and watched plane after plane take off and land without incident. In my mind, it’s ok for other people to fly – I know you’ll be ok, and I’m ok taking you to the airport, but I’m not ok being dropped off there myself.
So – I don’t have a choice. I have to go, and I will, but I just don’t feel good about it at all.
The other thing is this – my job is changing (hence the trip to Chicago – it’s for training) and I’ve been all wrapped up in study and preparing for this trip for over a month. I haven’t had time for anything else. I haven’t had time for any kind of writing for a month, and I am afraid that when I get back I will be so wrapped up in my new job that one of the things I love the most will take a back seat. I’ve neglected personal study and writing/blogging for a month – and this is part of who I am. I’m not the #1 blogger, not a major author, not really anything but a blog guy, but I still love it and I’m afraid I’ll lose part of who I am in this new position.
So – now all that is out there – what do you think? Believe me, I know all the bible verses, and I think on them every day. I’ve read all of Jon Acuff’s books and I’m on his blog every day. Just Start – right?
I know fear is a liar. I know fear is a self perpetuating trap, a hole you just keep digging and there’s no bottom. So what’s next? I have to fly and I have to put in the time and learn this job and I plan on being awesome at it – where does that put everything else that’s important?
Anyone else ever been in this spot? What did you do? Please let me know – I could use some wise words right now -