Not Ready For Prime Time

We have been in a series on prayer at my church for the last several weeks, and I’ve been reading a book by one of the pastors at my church, Alan Smith, called Unveiled.  Some of the thoughts here are from his book, specifically the breakdown of the Lord’s Prayer.  I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to deepen their relationship with God.  Almost in spite of myself, everything I’ve heard and learned over the last few weeks has changed the way I think about prayer and my relationship with God.

I think prayer and faith are intertwined – not flip sides of the same coin but maybe one is like the Lincoln Memorial and the other is old Abe himself. They are separate, can stand on their own, but if you go to the memorial, you’ll see both.

Prayer activates faith.  Prayers, as a prerequisite, must be prayed in faith or they don’t produce action.  Prayers without faith are wishes.  Prayer is telling God what he already knows.  Faith is boldly expecting him to answer.

In western civilizations, we are taught, pretty much from birth, that what we can see, or measure or quantify, or explain – that’s what’s real.  In the universe God created – which is both natural and supernatural – whatever he makes real is real.  He owns it all, he created it all out of pure will, and he does what he wants with what’s his.

Our upbringing in a world that seeks answers is often times what keeps us from seeing what is clearly going on all around us.  God is at work in the world, and he wants to share it all with us.  To get what he wants, he first expects a relationship.

Prayer is asking of God what we are unable to accomplish on our own.  And we can do very little of substance on our own. Faith is the substance of unseen things.  Substance.  Something you can lay hold of.  And you can lay hold of a lot through prayer.  But how do we get there?  Jesus told us – he gave us a model.  He taught us how to pray.

Matthew 6:8-13 – Your father knows what you need even before you ask.  So pray anyway, like this –

Our Father who is in heaven – recognizing God for who he is – holy, powerful, righteous – and where he is – in a totally different place – a place where faith produces things of substance.

Hallowed be your name – holy, sacred, revered.  His name is above all names.  The people of the OT were afraid to even say the name of God.  Hallowed.  Taken together, these first two phrases infer that God is a God above all things, and His plans are all about His glory.  And we are a part of his plan.

Your Kingdom come – the word come in Greek is present imperative – it’s a command, a call to action.  We are to pray His spiritual kingdom into the physical world – not just once, but continually.  It is to become a longing for us.  We should yearn for his Kingdom to come from where it is, to where it is not.

Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven – another command – His will is done in heaven, and we are to pray that it also be so on the earth.

Give us this day our daily bread – provision – bread is physical and spiritual – bread is the most common form of food throughout the earth, and it is a representation of the sustenance God offers us.

Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors – we both need forgiveness and can grant forgiveness.  The construction of the sentence reminds us that when we forgive, we can then be forgiven.  This is about restoration and healed relationships.

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one – freedom and victory – freedom from sin, and victory over death – which Christ bought for us with his death and resurrection.

For yours is the Kingdom, and the power and the glory forever – Telling God that at least some part of us is capable of acknowledging who he is.  We know he created it all, he owns it all, he sustains it all, and he will establish his kingdom on this earth and it will be never ending.

When we pray like that, our father in heaven hears our words, sees our hearts, and our prayers prayed in faith become things of substance – the veil between the natural and supernatural is torn down and we experience all that God has for us. 

But none of it will come to pass without prayer.  I said before it begins with a relationship.  We have God’s word – it’s his revelation to us.  But what if we didn’t have it?  Would God still be able to speak to us?  Do you believe that God can speak directly to you?

That’s what prayer is – an open channel of communication between you and your creator.  He’s got the walkie all fired up – he’s just waiting for you to start talking. 

I was encouraged a few weeks ago by a pastor from Cairo.  You realize that the muslims getting saved generally don’t go out and buy a bible and start reading it, nor do they attend services at the local corner Baptist church.  Jesus is going directly to them, speaking to them, revealing himself to them, and in turn they pray to him – they communicate with him – and are saved – without ever having seen or read the bible.

God is real, he’s alive, he’s wanting a relationship with you – one that is formed and sustained by prayer!  And when you pray, He brings heaven down to earth, he changes your life, and he changes the lives of those around you.

I never knew what I was missing out on.  I’ve never prayed enough.  I’ve relied on the gifts he has given me and I’ve done it all on my own.  I’m convinced that I’ve been wrong.  I wish I could go back 20 years and do it right, because of all the time I wasted thinking I was so awesome, when in reality I’m nothing with God.

If you don’t pray, start today.  If you don’t pray enough, pray more.  Expect God to move.  Ask him to fill you with his spirit and bring his kingdom to where you are – he’ll do it.  You’re life and the lives of those around you will change forever.

I used to ask people all the time, “What’s your damage?” This was meant to be a put down. As if I have ever been any better than anybody. There was a time when I thought I was though, and anybody who did not live up to the standard of perfection set by little old me was damaged, broken, imperfect, a waste.

I got past that about the time I hit 28. What happened when I was 28? My whole life ended, and all of a sudden I was damaged, broken, imperfect. In other words I realized I was a normal human being and that I was subject to that little old thing called life. It can be a roller coaster, it can break you, it can be the death of you, this thing called life.

I stop short of saying that my life has been a waste since then. I have a beautiful wife, two beautiful daughters. I’ve led people to Christ, baptized and discipled them since then. I’ve worked hard and had great success and equally stunning failures. But I have never worked as hard as I worked before – when I was young and bullet proof.

Here’s the deal. And it’s just plain stupid. But here it is. I was in college, working at a little church in Shawnee, OK. I loved it. Don’t get me wrong, there were challenges. There always are. But we worked them out and God blessed that little student ministry. I don’t want to overstate anything, but it was an (almost) perfect time, an (almost) perfect place, things went very well, God was working and if I had my way I would probably still be there. STILL. Because there’s still so much to do.

And I also won’t diminish the fact that I got big headed. People from other churches were asking me what I was doing – how I was so successful – and I had my own peers working with me on many occasions and they all told me what my ego wanted to hear – “awesome” “God’s really moving” “how many did you have last Wednesday” and it was awesome, God was moving, and I always had more.

Then what happened was I graduated college and offers started coming in from other churches. Big churches. Like an idiot I turned them down. My (idiot) thinking? They will be able to find somebody. This church I’m in now though – they need me. They won’t be able to make it without me.

Did I mention that at that point I was married, buying a house, graduating college, staring seminary, working full time hours (out of my house – I didn’t have an office. The church wasn’t big enough) and making $97 a week after tax. I had been there 3 years and had never gotten a raise. My youth budget had never increased – because while the student ministry was growing, the church itself really wasn’t. My thinking, I think, was I will stay here because they need someone of my ability. Those other churches can always find someone but this church will never be able to replace me.

But they did. Easily. After I separated and eventually divorced my first wife. She was really, really mad and I was oblivious. She was mad that I didn’t go to one of those other churches, where they would be paying me actual money to do what I was already doing. She was mad at my arrogance. She was mad that I spent so many hours on what was obviously a part time position where nothing was ever going to change. They didn’t need me. They needed a part time college student to lead their youth program.

So, when this other guy came along, that was the end of it. I lost everything. The house, the truck, the dog, the wife. And the church. And I lost myself as well.

I had a lot of qualities back then that I still have. I’m mouthy. The flip side is I can flat out bring it when it comes to preaching. It’s my #1 gift. I’m not the best – I know that – but also I know I’m good. And I mean that in the way that I know when I give that gift to God, He blesses it, people respond and there are hi 5′s all around.

I’m selfish. Very, very selfish. On the other side of that is, I have laser focus, and when I’m in the zone I get crap done. I give it ALL and don’t hold anything back. That’s another gift from God.

I’m not tooting my own horn here, or trying to cut myself apart. I could go on. The point is, all of my God given gifts, when used by me, even in the pursuit of good things, were never quite good enough. The flip side of every God given gift is always something bad. Even if you are trying to use it for good.

So, my malfuntion was I relied on the gifts that God had given me and not GOD. My damage? I have been phoning it in ever since. Not to say that I haven’t had moments of brilliance. Everybody does. But when I do, I do something to make it look like it was an accident, or I do something equally bone headed to mess things up. My boss says I sabotage myself. She’s right.

The question is, why? On the surface, it’s because I don’t ever want to go through that again. If I never work that hard, if my success doesn’t bring with it more work, longer hours, etc. then I never have to worry about my wife leaving me again because I’m never there. I know. Dumb. But that’s just on the surface.

What my damage is is this. I’m beyond mad. At myself for not seeing what was going on when I was working so hard. For not seeing that the relationship was falling apart, that she was finding someone else, that for all my effort less was being accomplished than I realized, that I should have taken a job at one of those other churches and I wouldn’t have been in this mess to start with, that I am, indeed, VERY easy to replace. I wasn’t gone two weeks before that church had another youth guy. He had a hard time… I seriously wouldn’t have wanted to be my replacement.

My damage is I’m still hurt. That they could replace me so easily. That after I was gone, it was like I never existed. For all the time and effort I put into it, it was like I was never there at all. I’m hurt that she didn’t tell me how she felt. That I was so closed off (“focused”) on doing what I thought was God’s work that she couldn’t talk to me. I was always “almost done – just a few more minutes.” Who am I kidding? I was never done, never close. I went from 1 task to another 24/7. I’m hurt on the inside because my relationship with God has never been the same, and my relationship with my wife is not what it could be because I’m guarded even now against the same thing happening. Is that crazy? I withold things from her because I’m afraid if I withold things from her she’ll leave me…

I’m mad at God. For throwing me to the side. I know all the arguments. I know all the bible answers and I know what you’re thinking. But that’s how I feel. And I know it’s all my fault. But beyond that, I feel like he got all he could out of me and when it was over that was it. I feel like he’s done with me.

Do you know what it’s like to go from preaching the Word and seeing God move in people’s lives to sitting in a chair in a call center all day answering the phone? There’s no way to explain it sufficiently, but there’s no comparison. Nothing will ever compare. I phone it in because it just doesn’t matter. I could be president of the company, of the whole world, I could be an astronaut, I could be a movie star, I could be anything and be the world’s best at it and reap all the rewards of being the 1 person on the planet who could save the day and it would not come close to comparing to what I have done. Nothing compares. Nothing ever will.

Again, I could go on. I won’t. Basically what it comes down to is, something bad happened and I have been in a loop of self pity every since. Knowing is half the battle. I’ve always known though. All of this – every bit of it – is on me. My fear of success, my self loathing, my cynicism, my broken, aching heart – all of it. It could all change, and I even know how to make it happen, but still I hold back and I don’t know why. Anything has got to be better than this. And I’m not talking about a job. Just life. It doesn’t have to be like this. And still I hold myself back.

My wife is singing right now, “consume me from the inside out Lord.” I won’t let him, I can’t let him. And it’s killing me. I hold back in my worship, I hold back in my work, I hold back in everything.

I wonder though if it really would make a difference if I just let it all go? I wonder how I can get to the place where I’m willing to do that? I wonder if I can still make a difference? I just don’t know. I know I am tired. It’s a struggle to live this way. I imagine it’s how a fugitive on the run feels. Never free.

So – can you pray for me? I know this is very transparent and may seem like TMI. That’s what this blog is for though. I know it’s crazy but part of me is hoping for some healing (the part of me that can still hope) and that maybe God can still use me. Damaged as I am, with all my issues, with all my quirks. I am broken and not in a good way. Maybe God can put me back together.

I just went through all my Facebook friends and deleted a lot of them. That wasn’t my goal. My goal was to see who all was there, if I know them, if I interact with them in any way. I don’t play games on Facebook – anymore – but when I did I would get requests from all over the planet and just say yes to all of them.

As I was looking, I began thinking, “why are these people on my list if I never have anything to do with them?” So, I deleted them. I also deleted people who are in their underwear in their profile pic, most people whose names I can’t pronounce, and accounts set up just for playing games (sorry ZoMbIeFaRmEr_1287). It was most refreshing to refresh the screen and see that I had a lot less friends than I did just moments before.

Now I think you all know that, even of the ones that are left, some of them I don’t know. I’ve never met them and will never meet them. Some of them are friends just because they’re famous or say funny things or have information that I need from time to time. Others I felt sorry for – one guy has like 12 friends and nobody said “happy birthday” to him, so I kept him out of pity I guess. But overall, yeah, my list is lighter and I’m happy about that.

Sometimes my life seems to get cluttered like that. Sometimes I feel like I’m carrying around a lot of excess and need to offload before I collapse – mentally, spiritually, or even physically.

Sometimes I feel that way because my attitude stinks and I need to do away with wrong thinking. Sometimes I have some kind of habit that I need to drop, or some way of doing things thats wrong that I need to correct. When make I the proper adjustments, I feel lighter, more free, like I can do anything. Maybe that’s the point.

This whole process reminds me of John 15:1-5 – read this – “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

God does 2 things according to these verses. The first thing is, he cuts off branches that don’t bear fruit. What that means is, if you’re a Christian and are self absorbed and only focused on your own life issues, watch out. God is forgiving, and in fact if you’re saved, you’re already forgiven, but if you’re of no use and you’ve been given ample opportunity to change your ways, He may just go ahead and bring you home.

The second thing is, if you are bearing fruit, He will prune you. I worked in a peach orchard one summer. Part of the job was pruning trees. Trees are pruned for 3 good reasons – safety, aesthetics, and health. Sometimes a branch is broken and in danger of falling off – so we go ahead and prune it to keep it from falling on someone’s head. Sometimes, the tree grows rapidly on one side and looks out of balance, so we prune it to make it look symmetrical. Sometimes, there are dead or diseased branches, so we cut those out to restore the tree to health. Doing all of this allows the tree to focus on what it’s supposed to be doing – bearing fruit.

It’s the same in our Christian life. Have you ever been shocked to find out that a Christian friend has a foul mouth when driving in rush hour traffic? Or maybe you saw the leader of your small group bible study light up a giant cigar and just couldn’t believe it. Maybe there’s some secret sin in your life that you just don’t know how to deal with, and you feel like it’s destroying you on the inside.

That’s where God comes in. He cuts all that stuff away, and the result is, a leaner, lighter, freer you. A you capable of doing what you’re suppose to be doing – bearing fruit.

So back to Facebook. It’s not like it runs faster because I have less friends. I just never got anything out of being friends with them, and as far as I know, they never got anything from me either. So, I let them go. They will never show up on that little list on my profile, I’ll never get another invite to play Texas Hold ‘Em from them, and their birthday won’t pop up anymore. Less overhead. Less distraction. Now I can focus on the rest of you. I want to learn from you, interact with you and hopefully I can teach you something as well.

As for the rest of you, thanks for being my friends!

Last night in our small group we were talking – in general at first – about people in the bible who are considered rebels. The obvious answer to me, the ultimate rebel, is Jesus. I’ll tell you why I think that in a minute, for better or worse.

So, everyone’s yelling out names – “Jonah” “Peter” “Paul (back when he was Saul of Tarsus, the Perfect Jew and Persecutor of those who follow Christ. Obviously.)” “and Mary” “if you saw what I did there +100 interwebs point for you” “Judas”… … … … “(me, in a voice a little louder than I meant it to be) Jesus.”

It was like all the air in the room got sucked right out. Time stopped. Someone, whoever is in charge of such things, got some white out and just took me right out of the book of life. That’s it, we’re done.

Now, I knew what the discussion was about. The discussion was about rebellion, but the question was “name some rebels from the bible.” Jesus. Right?

The thing about me, my number one gift, is to take an idea, a thought, a concept and examine it from every possible angle, inside out, upside down, and thus gain deeper understanding of the idea, thought, concept, whatever. I want to understand as broadly and as deeply as possible and if I have to tear something to shreads to do it, I don’t have a problem with it. I’ll ask hard questions, turn over the stones with the mud on them, or that have bugs underneath. My singular talent is getting to the bottom of it all. What people don’t know is, most of this happens in my own head, pretty much instantly. So while a discussion is going on, I’m tearing everything apart – bit by bit – analyzing, concluding, discovering. I rarely share this process because (nowadays) sometimes people can take offense at the directions I head off in. The important thing to note though is this – if I ask a probing question, it’s designed to make you think about something in a way you might have never thought about it before, or in a way you’re not even supposed to think about it, thereby causing you to see things differently, and ultimately, more deeply and completely.

So, back to Jesus. My thought while people were telling how they are just like Peter was that they were all missing the obvious choice of biblical rebel which is Jesus. Jesus, the nobody from Nazareth. The carpenter’s kid from that one place. Yeah Nazareth. Can anything good come from there? The gospels of Mark, Luke and John all have a disfavorable attitude about the place. Matthew, if I remember right, makes mention that Jesus lived there, and that’s about it.

He was from the wrong side of the tracks first off, and then, has anybody actually read the bible? The accounts from the gospels of the things Jesus said and did? Did you get to that part where they KILLED him for the things he said and did?

Think from a different perspective. Pretend you’re a Jew living in the 1st century. This may be a stretch for you, as we are generally spoiled rotten Americans. But bear with me. You’re devout and stubborn about your religion, and as such you adhere to the letter of the Law, as given to Moses, and as “enhanced” by the religious leaders of the day. It’s all about duty, generally. God said “do this” so that’s what you do. I’m taking this to the farthest degree here. I would imagine that many people found great joy in serving God and experienced peace as they lived their lives according to what was commanded. But then again this is just pretend.

You’re a Jew, doing your thing, be-bopping around that whole middle eastern area, minding your own business, when this *guy* from *Nazareth* of all places comes in and says, “You’re doing it wrong.” Then he calls you snakes, dogs, blind guides, fools, whitewashed tombs, brood of vipers, hypocrites, and saying “woe to you” a lot. And he wan’t talking to the normal, everyday people. He was talking to the leaders, the rulers, the movers and shakers of that day and age. He was in their face telling them that they had ZERO authority over him, as he was sent from the Father, and in fact, He and the Father are ONE and all authority on heaven and earth was given to him.

In other words, he messed them all up. He took their safe cozy little existence and turned it completely inside out. He did the opposite of what a good god fearing Jew was supposed to do. He was the ultimate righteous rebel. And they killed him for it. They lied in a fake court with fake lying witnesses and beat him nearly to death and nailed him up on a tree and they shook hands, patted each other on the back, wiped their brow, and headed for home. Then he rebelled again – he cheated. He came back. And when he did, he gave that same authority to his followers. The authority to turn it all inside out, upside down, shaken to the foundation and build it back up again the right way.

Don’t tell me Jesus wasn’t a rebel. He was the best kind of rebel. Here I go expanding definitions again. He came at just the right time to make a change and to do that he had to go against the grain. He had to be the squeaky wheel. He had to die. Or else I’d be on about something completely different right now. He rebelled against the establishment and called all of his followers to do the same. Not many of them lived to old age, you know. Most were killed horribly for not backing down – for rebelling, for rocking the boat, for asking tough questions, making tough choices, for following in the footsteps of Christ. Simon Peter – crucified. James the son of Zebedee – killed by Herod Agrippa. Andrew – crucified. Matthew – martyred in Ethiopia (seriously? Ethiopia?), nailed to the ground with spears and beheaded. Thomas – run through by a lance, which is somewhat ironic. James, brother of Jesus – thrown from the top of the temple (the same one where Jesus had a run-in with the devil himself) , and clubbed to death. Nathanael – flayed with a whip. Phillip – crucified. The other James, thrown from the top of the temple in Jerusalem and stoned. Paul – tortured and beheaded. Stephen – stoned. And the Apostle John. There’s a scrappy one. He was boiled in oil. When that didn’t kill him, they decided to put him out on an island all by himself, where he spent his days writing out his Revelation and died of old age.

These guys were the best. The represent true and pure rebels the world over. They had a singular mission – GO! No threat of violence was too great to stop them. The word “no” was not in their vocabulary. They didn’t know what “quit” meant, either.

How different things are today. For us I mean. You realize that in the far, dark corners of the world, people are still dying horrible deaths because they proudly proclaim they belong to Jesus? And in those places, where Jesus is not welcome, he is still breaking all the rules. No bibles, no preachers or teachers? He’ll just show up in a dream. It’s happening RIGHT NOW in places where if you don’t worship Buddah or Allah or Krishna you don’t stand a chance. Regardless of what we do, all snuggled safe in our nice warm cozy houses, Jesus is still turning the world upside down. With you or without you.

What kind of person are you? Who do you want to be? We all want to be safe and keep our kids safe and it’s not politically correct to be bold about your faith where you work because there’s muslims and gay people there so we just hang out on Sunday morning and then go to lunch and watch the football game then have a nice afternoon nap before going back out and blending in with the world. And we get nothing done, nothing changes, nobody knows us from Adam and our religion is worthless because it’s not backed by faith in anything except what we can see and feel and we go deeper in debt while trying to keep up and we end up losing everything because nothing means anything.

I’m so over all that. It’s like the hand of GOD reached into my chest and grabbed my heart and it’s actually beating for the first time ever. I will be following Christ now. Thanks. I don’t go looking for trouble, and I don’t go stirring up anything, but I have been very vocal lately about who I serve and why. Things are changing. We can’t just sit and watch as the world goes by. We are called to BE CHRIST to all who need him. Just as God was with his son, his son is with us, and his mission is passed on to us, his authority is passed on to us, we are infused with his blood, and as our cup runs over, it spills out onto everything and everyone around us. We can’t just sit safely in silence. I didn’t do that on purpose because I hate alliteration. Acts 17:6 says, “These who have turned the world upside down have come here too!” Go there, turn everything upside down, leave. Simple. Put another way, our calling is to GOGOGO and as we are going, live as Christ lived. Like a rebel!

Someone uttered these words about me recently, and not in a good way. I had said something boneheaded, which when you think about it, does that really surprise you? Anyway – approximately 75% of what I say could be considered foolishness, and that needs to change. Maybe take it down to 25%, cuz I still need to have *some* fun, right?

Anyway, I have asked forgiveness and from what I can see, for the most part, it has been given to me. I have made an effort to keep my mouth shut in other words and let actions speak for me. And that’s the whole thing right there – actions speak louder than words. Maybe that’s what John was saying in his gospel when he said the following – actually Jesus said it, “Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.”

You can say you love someone. You can shout it from the rooftops, throught a megaphone, to a crowd of 10,000 people. And all of them will know if you mean it or not by the way you act. Just being honest here – sometimes I don’t act like I love people. I get all involved in my own life, my own struggles, my own way of doing things, and I forget my purpose and that Jesus wants to live and love through me. And that right there is just good old selfishness.

I don’t have much, and I want more. A new camaro, a faster computer, a new iphone. But I already have more than so many people – a job, a nice house, a truck that gets me to where I’m going every time. A beautiful wife and 2 beautiful little girls. Food on the table, clothes on my back, and over all I’m in pretty good shape health wise, too.

It’s about focus. I’m inwardly focused and I’m missing out on a lot of things – my calling for one, and being a blessing to others for another. It’s about focus. I need to get my mind off myself and look at Jesus. I have little to offer – but He has much to offer through me.

It doesn’t much matter how I feel, what I think, what I know. I does matter what I do. What’s the evidence? What tells the world that I’m a child of God? The love that I show, the things that I do, the needs I meet, the lives I change. And all folded up in that, the knowledge that it’s not me, because it’s beyond me to do it. When I focus on Christ, He is the one doing it all and people are pointed to Him.

I have been in a holding pattern for some time now and it’s because I was inwardly focused, selfish, self absorbed. Time to take my eyes off me and put them on the one that made me. My salvation and strength are through Him alone. Time to be who God called me to be. Time to get up out of this ditch and see God move again. Time to move with Him…as scary as it can be, as scary as it is, it’s time to go