My Dreams They Aren't As Empty

Someone uttered these words about me recently, and not in a good way. I had said something boneheaded, which when you think about it, does that really surprise you? Anyway – approximately 75% of what I say could be considered foolishness, and that needs to change. Maybe take it down to 25%, cuz I still need to have *some* fun, right?

Anyway, I have asked forgiveness and from what I can see, for the most part, it has been given to me. I have made an effort to keep my mouth shut in other words and let actions speak for me. And that’s the whole thing right there – actions speak louder than words. Maybe that’s what John was saying in his gospel when he said the following – actually Jesus said it, “Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.”

You can say you love someone. You can shout it from the rooftops, throught a megaphone, to a crowd of 10,000 people. And all of them will know if you mean it or not by the way you act. Just being honest here – sometimes I don’t act like I love people. I get all involved in my own life, my own struggles, my own way of doing things, and I forget my purpose and that Jesus wants to live and love through me. And that right there is just good old selfishness.

I don’t have much, and I want more. A new camaro, a faster computer, a new iphone. But I already have more than so many people – a job, a nice house, a truck that gets me to where I’m going every time. A beautiful wife and 2 beautiful little girls. Food on the table, clothes on my back, and over all I’m in pretty good shape health wise, too.

It’s about focus. I’m inwardly focused and I’m missing out on a lot of things – my calling for one, and being a blessing to others for another. It’s about focus. I need to get my mind off myself and look at Jesus. I have little to offer – but He has much to offer through me.

It doesn’t much matter how I feel, what I think, what I know. I does matter what I do. What’s the evidence? What tells the world that I’m a child of God? The love that I show, the things that I do, the needs I meet, the lives I change. And all folded up in that, the knowledge that it’s not me, because it’s beyond me to do it. When I focus on Christ, He is the one doing it all and people are pointed to Him.

I have been in a holding pattern for some time now and it’s because I was inwardly focused, selfish, self absorbed. Time to take my eyes off me and put them on the one that made me. My salvation and strength are through Him alone. Time to be who God called me to be. Time to get up out of this ditch and see God move again. Time to move with Him…as scary as it can be, as scary as it is, it’s time to go

It’s funny how things go sometimes in life. When I was 16, after struggling with the decision for nearly a year, I decided that I would follow God’s call in my life to full time ministry. Right after that, a lot of things happened. My youth minister, a GREAT guy name Jeff, and the worship leader in my church, another awesome guy named Vernon, both spent a lot of time with me – mentoring, teaching, praying, encouraging, and on one occasion, literally kicking my rear end – and it needed to be done, believe me.

These guys poured themselves into me, to the extent that I felt like I was a part of something very special – and I was. At that time, in that place, in that little town in the middle of nowhere Oklahoma, God was working in a lot of people’s lives. I was not just learning about ministry, I was doing it, under expert supervision, with a lot of guidance, and with a lot of freedom as well. And to be honest, I screwed a lot of things up, and there was a lot of grace and love, and some tears and a little anger – mostly because I was a bonehead, but really, who isn’t from time to time, right?

We all moved on at some point. Jeff and Vernon to other churches, I went to college – finally – and got a position at a little church in my college town where I stayed for 3 1/2 years. That was 1990. I have been a church staffer for 14 year or so total, and when I wasn’t (like right now) I always found something to do – teaching, writing, preaching, working, reaching. It’s who I am…and to a certain extent, that’s unfortunate.

Here’s why – I had to go out and get a job when the church we were planting died. That’s the topic of another post. It was a hard, emotional time, and I had to find something quick. My wife had just had Zoey – she was off work on medical leave several months before Zoey was born, my salary from the plant was about -$500 a week, and the job I had, although awesome, was not paying the bills. So I found something, and I’ve been doing that same something for going on 3 years now. It’s not ministry, and I have tried the whole entire time I’ve been there to get some things started at work – Bible study, prayer group, share time, call it what you want, I’ve come at it from 100 different angles and it’s just not working. I’m not me anymore.

If I can’t start something new, if I can’t make a difference, If I can’t be the one to bring change, who am I? I struggle with that every single freakin’ day. Not one day goes by where I don’t wonder who in the world I am. I know who I was, I know who I want to be, and it’s like I’m being blocked at every opportunity, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Do I keep trying regardless of outcome? Do I just stop? I don’t know…If I did I’d be writing something about the yardwork I need to do or that I love daylight savings time or some other random thing.

So, here I am – like a horse chomping at the bit. I’m ready, I’m willing, I’m trying. Who the heck am I though? Where do I belong? What plan does God have for me? I don’t want to go back – I want to move ahead. I want to do something I’ve never done and I want to depend on God for it all and I want to be in over my head and I want to see God moving in the lives of the people around me. I miss that more than anything. Maybe that’s it – in the corporate world, maybe there is no God.

In spite of all my wrestling and lack of success (even though I do really well at work and *in general* I am well thought of by most everybody except1personIwon’tnamebutifIdidIwouldcallherlindabutIwon’t) I don’t have any quit in me. I’m just not going to give up. But could someone throw me a bone here? Please? I mean, I’m trying, but I’m fresh out of ideas and at this time I don’t have any other options. I have to be where I am. I guess I just need to be who I am, where I am, and trust God for the results. Is that it though? Is that all I can do?

If I said I didn’t want my life back the way it was, I’d be a liar, and that’s one thing the dude can’t abide. But it’s gone, and I don’t know what’s ahead – still in the tunnel, no light. But who can I be, and what can I do in the meantime?

I was just thinking today about how I have felt lately, which to be honest is kinda lonely. I know dudes don’t talk about this, but I wonder why. And I also wonder why I feel that way…

I mean, I have a wonderful, beautiful wife who I talk to all the time, I have two great kids, I have people at work and at church who I love muchly. In case one of those people don’t have time, I have a lot of other things, too.

I have about a metric tonne of books to read, I have the internet, I have Discovery Channel. I have an awesome chair to sit in, I have Xbox 360 and about 30 games, and I have about 300 DVDs.

If that’s not enough, I have my iPhone and an iPod Touch full of games, movies and music, and I can always get more of each.

In spite of all that, I sit here not just lonely, but bored as well.

What I want is more of the above. What I need is less of the above and more…something.

Looking back, what I used to have in my life was a 27″ tv with a VCR hooked up to it. Now I have a 42″ LCD, and 1.5 billion channels 24/7. I used to have people come over to my house, now I have Facebook. I used to talk for hours on end to friends about absolutely nothing in particular and we would solve the problems of the world over a pizza and a 2 liter. Now I rush through dinner, rush through getting the kids ready for bed, rush through some prayer and Bible reading, and rush myself off to sleep so I can get some “rest” before rushing off to do it all over again tomorrow.

I am really, really lonely. I just realized that about 10 minutes ago. I have so many things in my life, I am pulled so many directions, I am almost constantly in motion – but nothing gets done, nothing changes, and I’m still sitting here all alone.

Yeah, I know. Waaaa.

What I want is back in a small group. I may have to take initiave and put one together. What I want is to be a part of a small group where I can be held accountable for my life and my decisions and my thinking and my alone time. I want to be in a group that does life together so I don’t have to do it alone anymore. I miss being in a group where our focus was encouraging each other, praying for each other, pushing each other to be and do better. I have to find that again or I don’t know what. All may be lost if I don’t. I’m not even kidding. I was never lonely when I was in a small group. I was never bored. I never wondered if anyone loved me or was praying for me. I knew all those things to be true.

I have to find that again. It’s essential to my well being, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. Pray for me and my family, that we will find a place where we fit –

I am reading through Romans. Again. I have been in and out of that book for years, mostly trying to make sense of it. Be honest – if you read it, it will completely blow your mind.

The thing is, having been a “theology student” at seminary, I have hundreds of books – actually I have about 1800 books to be honest – and when I read the Bible, sometimes something will jump out at me and before the evening is over, I’ve moved from my chair to the table and most of my books are open to various pages covering the table, the chairs and the floor, and there are hastily scribbled notes on whatever paper I can find.

What kind of books do I use when I study the Bible? Concordances, dictionaries, commentaries, atlases. You name it, I have it and use it. And generally once a month or so, I go buy more.

Tonight though, I was blown away by one single verse, sitting here in the comfort of my living room, sitting in my comfortable chair. Everyone’s in bed, it’s quiet, and I was just reading the Bible. Just reading it…can you imagine?

Everyone knows Romans 3:23 – “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” We generally don’t stray beyond that verse, because it says everything we are trying to get across when the verse is in use – yes, you, me and everyone in the world that has lived and who ever will live is a sinner. But the next verse really stabbed me in the heart, and if I would have had all my books out, I would have missed it for sure.

Romans 3:24 – “They are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” This is a serious WOW moment that I really need in my life right now. Listen, if you’re reading this, by extension you are a living, breathing person and you need to know that you are a sinner. Just like me, just like everyone. But even more important than that, you need to know that regardless of what you have done and what you will do that God loves you and that there is a way past all that. What Romans 3:24 is saying is, God paid for your life. He traded His Son for you! And because of that gift, you have life!

I know all that, really I do. But I forget sometimes. I get busy with laundry and work and what’s for dinner and yes with all my good theology books. I forget the extent of my sinfulness, I forget the depth of God’s love, I forget the price that was paid, and I forget that I deserve nothing, and yet I have everything.

How to read the Bible – just get the thing out, dust it off, have a seat, open it up – the Word, your mind and your heart – and let God talk. He’ll change your perspective on everything. I forgot so much, but I have been reminded. I’m free! And you can be too!

Rich.Nifong

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Last week after dinner, Trinity, my 8 year old daughter, got pretty sick to her stomach. She has not thrown up for a couple of years, so she really didn’t know what to do. She knew she didn’t feel good, and came into the living room to tell me and Cheryl, and in the process, spewed all over the whole house basically. She’s well now, and Zoey, our 2 year old daughter, has the same thing. The difference is, Zoey is 2 and has zero clue what’s going on. She walked into the living room, threw up about 12 times, and then wanted to eat some cookies. Yikes what a weekend. I’m staying home with my little Zozo tomorrow. She’s alseep in the living room floor right now, and I’ll sleep in my chair tonight to keep an eye on her.

I hate it when my kids are sick. Not that I want to be sick, but I would rather it be me than them. I figure I can handle it, you know? They should be able to get out and play on a beautiful weekend like we had and not be in bed with a stomach ache. The benefit – lots of time (between washing towels and sheets and clothes) to do some thinking.

Here’s where I am right now folks – frustrated. I don’t like saying it this way, but I don’t know how else to say it to be honest – I have been out of ministry for 3 years. During this time, I have preached, I have taught classes at church, I’ve done Disciple Now weekends, I’ve written bible studies, I’ve started small groups for accountability, encouragement, prayer and discipleship. I’ve led people in worship, and led people to Christ. I baptized my sweet daughter Trinity, and have been a member of a really awesome church. So what do I have to complain about, right?

Nothing. And to be honest, I feel selfish and even arrogant for feeling this way at all.

All I know is, I don’t feel like I am being used – fully used – for the Kingdom.

I have been a church planter, an associate pastor, a youth minister and a worship leader. In those positions, I have preached, I have taught classes, I’ve done Disciple Now weekends, I’ve written bible studies, I’ve started small groups for accountability, encouragement, prayer and discipleship. I’ve led people in worship, and led people to Christ. I have baptized and discipled people who have gone on to be leaders in their churches and communities.

You know what I really want to do? I want to help either an established church or a new church plant develop a small group ministry. I want to mentor leaders again. I want to teach. I want to see the fruit.

Unfortunately for me in my situation, I am result oriented and for 3 years, I’ve seen nothing on the result end. Regardless of where I work, I am still me – still called to do the same things, still gifted in the same way, still desire the same things. I am an encourager in my office. I love dearly the people I work with. They know I’m a Christian, most know that I pray for them by name frequently, and that they are important to me. I just never knew how hard it would be to have a corporate job I guess. It’s soul-sucking and discouraging. And I mean beyond words.

So, the question is, what am I going to do about it? I’ve been trying to start groups at work since the day I walked in the door. The thing is, we all have someone standing over us, monitoring our time – how long we are on the phone, how long we are off the phone, how much work we get done in a day. If we don’t make our numbers we get into trouble. So, people are hesitant to even leave their desks. Even for 5 minutes of prayer or encouragement, which we all need so much.

I guess I am asking for your help – whoever is reading this. Pray for me and my family. We will go anywhere, as long as we know God is leading us there. My wife is an incredible worship leader. And myself, well, there’s not much I haven’t done, but like I said, my main thing has always been small groups, regardless of what my title was. We want to find a place where we can both serve and be used completely up by God for His glory. I won’t give up and I won’t rest until I find that place. Pray for us! And if you have any leads…please let me know!

Someone asked me recently what a blog is for. I can’t speak for anyone else but myself. I don’t consider myself to have any special knowledge or insight. I read a lot and think a lot and don’t really seem to come up with any world changing or reality bending answers. But still, I do have thoughts.

For me, this is like a journal. It’s just my random weird thinking. I’ll write about pretty much anything, but mostly about Jesus, church stuff and the Bible. If it helps you out that’s cool. If you want to further discuss something I wrote here, that’s cool too. I’m never really in the mood to argue, though. Just go ahead and declare yourself the winner and let’s move on.

I have been thinking a long time, but only journaling recently. A friend of mine several years ago suggested it and I tried but I really hate to write. Typing though is pretty easy for me and the words just come out through my fingers and onto the internet, for better or worse. Like I said – this is just me thinking through things (publically I guess) as they enter my mind.

So, not much of a post, but hopefully this gives some insight into why I started doing this.

So it’s been a whirlwind kinda weekend. I got home from work last night and fell smooth asleep for about an hour, then we ate dinner. Since I took such a nice nap, I didn’t sleep at all last night, but I did find a fascinating article about new treatment options for melanoma which I read until 3 am.

I woke up this morning to the sound of children playing and ate an incredible breakfast loving cooked by my wonder wife Cheryl – bacon, eggs, biscuits and gravy. Heart healthy all the way!

Then we went to downtown Fort Worth to go to the science museum, but it was closed. So, we went to Pappasito’s instead, which broke my heart.

After that, we headed back downtown to go to Barnes and Noble. I found a new zombie book called Day By Day Armageddon. It’s one man’s journal entries as he deals with a zombie horde. So, yeah, I like zombie books and movies. I didn’t buy the book from B&N though because it was $20. Got it for 1/2 that on my iPhone Kindle app.

This is where it all gets kinda fuzzy. We got home at 3:30 in the afternoon, put Zoey down for a nap, and I sat down in my chair to read my new book. The next thing I knew it was 7 pm and dinner was ready – again, a wonder meal prepared by my beautiful wife – home-made lasagne!

So now we are finishing up folding some laundry, I’m blogging, Cheryl put the kids to bed and is playing Words With Friends (her user name is girlgeek and she would love to get a game going with you).

Yeah that’s a typical, normal weekend for us – cleaning, laundry, hanging out with the kids, naps, eating out.

You could get lost in all that normal.

Your life could come and go and all it would ever be is typical, routine.

It’s almost like being in a rut and you don’t even know it. It’s just what you do. So here’s a question – and you can google it I guess – how many stories are there in the Bible of Jesus doing laundry? Weird question, right? I don’t know that I remember that story. Maybe it’s in an undiscovered manuscript somewhere in a cave in the middle east – “And lo, verily they wentest into the Tubs ‘O Suds Laundrymat because Peter’s robe began to stinketh. And I say unto you that the change machine was yea empty and the followers of Jesus squabbleth over the dryer sheets. Amen.”

Is it far fetched to think that 12 guys whose mode of travel was walking and whose target area was a dry, dust, hot land never had to do laundry? Where are those stories?

I don’t know, but I’m thinking if you wear clothes, you will eventually need to wash them. Verily.

I think a good word here is mundane – basically it means “everyday, typical, routine.” But there’s nothing routine about the life we are called to lead. We know that laundry needs to be done, and there are no stories in the Bible about it because we are not called to live a mundane life. We’re called to do impossible things that we can’t even imagine – and I don’t mean getting that BBQ sauce stain out of your white dress shirt.

It’s time to wake up, wipe the sleep out of our eyes, and see the world as Jesus saw it – it’s a mission field, and if we don’t go, who will? What is standing in your way? A pile of laundry? Is that what is keeping you from following Jesus? I see your pile and raise you yard work. Yes, all that has to be done. But there’s more to life than mundane – don’t get caught up in that. Make time for what makes life really worth living. Follow Christ and make him real to this world.

     If I said that we had been going through some financial difficulties lately, well, that would not do the situation justice.  Cheryl was out of work for 3 months – she has a great job now with the City of Fort Worth – and I was off work for over a month when I ruptured my achilles tendon.  So, basically 4 months of not getting paid really messed us up.  We are stuggling to catch up now, and just beginning to pull out of it.

     So, when my “check engine” light came on about 2 weeks ago, and my truck started running like I was going over an old Oklahoma dirt road filled with pot holes, I didn’t have anywhere else to go but to God.  We just can’t pay for car repairs right now.

     I remember the very thing I said: “God we can’t do this right now.  I need your help with this.  Otherwise I’m just going to drive this truck into a ditch and leave it.”

     Fast forward almost exactly 2 weeks.  The old truck was running worse every day.  I had already worked out in my mind what was wrong with it and how much it would cost to repair.  I was praying for that one deal where you pray a bunch and go out to the mailbox and there’s a check for that exact amount.  No matter how much I checked the mailbox during this time, all I got was bills.

   One more prayer of desperation – “Lord please fix this.”  I parked the truck on Friday afternoon, and got up to go out on Saturday – it started right up, it sounded great (dual exhaust!) and it drove as good as it ever has!  I was thinking, out loud, “Are you kidding me?  It actually worked!”

    Well, yeah, dummy.  God delights in blessing His children.  Even me, even when I am less than faithful, apparently.  I have been such a nucklehead, and I know this, that I don’t deserve his blessings at all, but here I am getting them anyway.  I didn’t ask for much of anything – except for something I had no hope of providing for myself at this time.  And God, being who He is, not only gave me what I needed, but so much more.

     I have had so many doubts lately, so many questions, and very little in the way of answers.  If you read the last update, I just about gave up – on God, on me, on everything.  It was such a little thing for God to heal my truck.  He created the whole universe just by sepaking, so yeah, he can make my truck run probably without raising so much as a pinky.  I wonder if He even has a pinky…But, in this one small act, it’s almost like all my faith has been restored as well.  I never should have doubted.  I did, and God proved faithful anyway.

     So yes – God answers prayer.  It’s pretty much that simple.  I won’t test Him by praying for a brand new Camaro or a winning lottery ticket.  But I’m still praying that He’ll take away our student loans.  They are the epitome of evil.

     Thank you Lord for simply taking care of me and my family.  You already give us so much more than we deserve.  Thank you for being patient with me and for loving me inspite of myself.  Thank you for restoring my faith and being everything I ever needed.

     I’m trying to figure out the answer to this one.  Some say the joy is in the journey, some say joy is in the discovery, some say it’s in the journey’s end.  If you’re wise, I suppose you will find joy in all of it.

     Right now I’m on a journey to discover where I’m supposed to end up, and I struggle to find joy in it.  It’s frustrating, it’s scary, it’s hard and I want it to be over.  I want to be somewhere other than where I am so bad sometimes I wonder if it’s even worth it.  I don’t even know if that makes sense or not. 

     I have come so close to calling it quits in the last 3 years.  I have come so close to just giving up and saying “forget it.  Who needs this?  Why me?”  But, somewhere in the vast, dark corners of my thick, yet mostly empty cranium, there is always…something.  And that something keeps me coming back, keeps me getting back up, keeps me from giving up on what I know is out there.  That something makes me believe that the journey is worth all this longing and heartache, that it’s worth all the long nights sitting up awake wondering what’s going on and what’s going to happen next.

     That something is the voice of God.  I have no doubt about that, just as I have no doubt that He has a plan for me, a place for me, a place for my family.  A home.  A place where we fit, where we will be loved, where we can be who we are for Him.

     It’s not like I’m just sitting here waiting.  I am on a journey, and I am actively pursuing that place that I was talking about.  I don’t have a clue where it is, but I know exactly what it looks like because God has shown it to me.  It’s weird how that is.  I know where I’m going to be, but I don’t know where it is just yet.

     So, I keep looking.  I don’t give up.  I keep one eye open and one ear to the ground, because God told me to look for this place.  He encourages me when I think I just want to curl up and die.  He prods me when I get off track.  He disciplines me when I turn around and go back the other way.  He is with me, and He will not leave me behind. 

     Help me to trust you with this, God.  Help me not to give up.  Help me to not lose my way.  Help me to have joy in this process, and help me not to forget that there are people all along the way that need you.